What is failure What’s success,
Who is dumb and Who’s the best,
Where it ends Where to start,
How to think and How is smart,
When is right When is wrong,
What is who and What is long,
Who knows when Who knows who,
Where it matters Where its knew,
How to know and How to see,
When there is is When agrees.
I always get frustrated, nervous, scared, doubtful, depressed, angry when I feel like people see me as a failure. I don’t care and at the same time that shit fuckin’ pisses me off and for some reason makes me care too much. But why dammit. I wonder, “Who are you to judge me? How can you think you’re better than me? You don’t even know me. No one does. Not even me. Really.” I guess that’s how all those famous people must’ve felt at one point in their lives. It’s crazy to me that at one point in their life there were some people that didn’t believe in them. That felt they couldn’t accomplish the things in which they did accomplish. Who would’ve ever thought such a thing? I guess some people. And in my life there’s been many I feel has felt that way about me. I guess vibes do bounce off one another and when I feel like others doubt me, I start doubting myself. It’s part of my nature I guess. I’m a Leo/Virgo and although I don’t believe in that shit I do believe in that shit.
I am an introvert. And then I’m an extrovert. Sometimes I’m both at the same time. It must come off weird to others. It’s strange to wonder if I were one or the other. I can’t decide which one I’d rather be. Would I rather be to myself; never really socializing and just be quiet & shy in front of others. Or would I rather be loud, obnoxious and hyper like I am at times. Both are fun. Shy isn’t really fun (well unless there’s loud people being doofuses in front of me and I get to be entertained by their absurdity), so I guess it does have its perks.
When I’m shy I don’t say annoying things as much. Keywords being “as much”. Being an introvert I stay home a lot and read & write, which makes my imagination go off into the most gnarly of thoughts. They’re good thoughts in my opinion. Not all are good (as in sweet & pleasant), but they are interesting (like what if aliens really existed and just like us… they’re in a far off galaxy and… well I can’t give away too many stories). Sometimes my sci-fi stories are strange. I make up these worlds and have discussions with myself about, “what if’s.” I’m religious and I’m not. I’m poly-religious with non-religion. I’m openminded even to atheism. I don’t think there isn’t something more powerful than us. I definitely think something created us… but what it is, I don’t know. There are many what if’s in my head. Like I wonder what if there were realms or time travel. I’ve actually tried to use my engineering background and take my math & physics interest into trying to figure out a reason for time travel’s existence. Not that I think it’s real or anything, but hey… that doesn’t mean I’m not open to it being real or trying to create an answer for the unanswered. Thus those are reasons I like being an introvert. I don’t expose too much of my unconventional cognitions and at the same time I get most of my writing done this way. But then there’s those times I’m an extrovert and I can easily change from introvert to extrovert.
When I’m an extrovert I feel like I can be funny at times. Most times I’m trying to make myself laugh just for the heck of it, but others will on occasion join me in the chuckles. Then there are times where I’m too much of an extrovert and it can be a problem. Like if someone tries to throw a fuckin’ heavy glass cup at my head because I’m standing up for a girl friend of mine & I get hit in the head. Get a welt on my forehead. Then the hulk-smash extrovert comes out and that can sometimes be the stupid me that takes stupid actions on stupid occasions. Or I get too comfortable and think & act like a guy and say shit that I shouldn’t say. But sometimes it’s funny! It’s all good vibes. Or at least that’s how I want it to be. But there are times when I feel the extrovert has its advantages.
I can talk to people and be social to the point of creating a bond or friendship with others. And with the bonds & friendships that already exist, I can feel comfortable to the point of no return. But it does take a certain moment or day for me to feel that. One day I can be happy & talkative and the next day be still happy, but quiet & stand-offish. I just get insecure about myself. There are many moments in my life that I wish weren’t that way. Especially when I spontaneously see someone I’m a fan of. I want to talk to them and then there are times that I’m just too intimidated that I’ll just run away from even the chance of getting to meet them or talk to them. Or… I will talk to them, but feel that roller coaster of introvert-extrovert and just be so awkward that even what I’m talking I create an awkward vibe. Weird huh? It’s like a failure in and of itself. But what is failure?
I came across this “famous failures” image when I was checking out my cousin’s webosphere. I saw the many successful people mentioned above and thought, “Hell yeah that shit’s tight!” Not that their failures were tight or anything, but it did give me hope for success in the future. That I can accomplish anything & everything that I want to accomplish. That nothing can stop us from wanting what we want & having what we want.
I used to be so afraid. I’d hear of stories about successful people that knew that they were going to get into a certain industry since they were children. It always made me wonder, “Well what am I suppose to be??? I like so many things I just can’t choose one. What am I gonna do?!?!? They knew it from the start and I don’t even know where to start” But then again I guess I always wanted to be an entrepreneur, entertainer and philanthropist. I knew that those 3 things were the 3 things I wanted to always contribute to. Be a part of. Wanting to be an entrepreneur, entertainer and philanthropist is completely vague and I suppose that’s why it’s taken me 30 years to finally figure it out. In my opinion…I shouldn’t have to categorize myself in a specific position, field or industry. I can let my writing take me into all of it. Writing is the only thing I’m certain of as a career and at this point in my life. It’s all I really need.
I guess what stopped me from pursuing writing when I was younger was that I was always slow when it came to reading. I was horrible at English and did better in math & science. I had the hardest time passing my English & History classes, yet in philosophy I did pretty well. That’s when I pursued Civil Engineering. My parents knew I loved to paint & draw as a child , but always felt that there was no future in that type of desire. I love my parents and understand where they were coming from because I doubted myself & was a weird gothic little punk since my elementary days. Anyhow… I don’t know how this became more of a biography rather than a usual blahblahblah’g, but I’ll stop now. I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that even though we might fail on occasion. Might be skepticized by others. Criticized by everyone. There is never an end until the end of our last breath. So I will continue my pursuits and continue dreaming big. And I hope you all do the same. I love seeing people succeed. Sometimes I’m jealous, but I’m jealous in the nicest way possible. Sharing happiness and congratulating others makes me feel like at least I’ve accomplished empathy in life.
And now… back to my notepads.